Yet another one...
Sorry, when this song came on, I couln't resist...it's so good! And, quite possibly, I'm allowing myself to procrastinate yet a bit more.
Let it all out (get it all out)
Rit it out, remove it
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
Cuz we're so scared to find out (what this life's all about)
So scared we're gonna lose it
And knowing all along that's exactly what we need
And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow upon hearing what I did,
I'll stare at you with disbelief
Oh inconsistent me!...crying out for consistency
And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If this burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
And I'll let it be known (times I have shown)
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me, there is strength
And You'd promise me, that You believe
In time I will defeat this
'cuz somewhere in me there is strength
And today I trust You with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget that man isn't me
And You said, "I know this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
Reach out to me, make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You...for You
And You know, and You know, You touched my life
When You touched my heavy heart, you made it light
Reliant K--Let it All Out (Mmhmm)
late night writing a paper
I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last call that You mentioned
Is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going
Because I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, begging You, begging You to be my escape
I'm giving up I'm doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going
Because I gotta get outt here
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape
I'm a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going
Because I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape
I fought You for so long
I should have let You win
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You.
Reliant K--Be My Escape (Mmhmm)
Thanks for keeping me company boys!
Go and sin no more...
The pastor at my church started a new series 3 weeks ago about healing and recovery from habits and hang-ups and sins that are holding us. I think it was 2 weeks ago, so, the first week of the series. Pastor Chip brought up the idea of realizing that God is God and that He is the one with the power. We have no power in ourselves to do good, turn from sin, live our lives as Christ did. We have a choice, but it is by the power in Christ that we can turn from temptation and walk on the path He sets before us.
This really got me to thinking about the times I got caught in what I like to call the "circular cycles" of my life. It starts out with me messing up in some way. Then, I begin to let my quiet times with God suffer. It continues to go down when my prayer life suffers and I get frustrated with myself when I have to bring something back to God that I should've taken care of long before. Things get better, but something is missing, because before I know it, I'm faced with the same temptation, mess up again, and find myself in a cycle of sin, disregard (to a point) of that sin, shame and guilt, repentance, a time of closeness with God, and when the temptation presents itself again, the cycle begins again.
It's happened a couple times in my life, and I can remember feeling so frustrated and not understanding why it kept happening. Truthfully, with repentance and grace and redemption, there is a personal choice to make a change. God does the restoring and changing of the heart, but we have that choice to do as Christ told the woman in John 8:11 (NRSV),
"neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again."
In Hebrews 12:1-2 (NASV), the author tells says,
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so
easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set
before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith,
who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising shame, and
has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
God asks us to make the decision to change. Not just repent, not just accept His gift of forgiveness and grace, but also make a change in our lives to strive after being more like Christ.
2 Timothy 2:19 (NASV), says,
"Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God stands having this seal,
'The Lord knows those who are His,' and, 'Everyone who names
the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness.'"
Throughout the sermon that Sunday a couple weeks ago, I kept thinking about this concept and how it has affected my life and the struggles I've had with certain sin in my life. I wrote the majority of the following during church (so maybe I should be paying more attention...I was still taking notes...):
For My Father's Sake
It seems sometimes I don't understand
The complex steps of the Master's plan
He sees me when I'm tired and fallen
But I tried so hard not to stray too far
I end up only looking out for number one
How does my life display the beauty of God's Son?
Am I really living in this state?
I deny, continue doing what I hate
And there You are, You're waiting for me
To shut my eyes, fold my hands, on bended knee
Give up control and lift up my heart
A life that was not mine from the start
Through all the storms, the winds and rain
You pick me up, dust me off and set me back towards You again
And I find myself in that same place
Taking back the things I laid at Your feet
I cry aloud, will I ever turn my heart away
From what destroys me, brings me to my knees in shame
I seem to always walk a circle, is there an end
To all the pain I feel because I keep to chose my sin?
How can I walk this path once more?
You gently speak, "This is what it's all been for."
And there You are, You're waiting for me
To shut my eyes, fold my hands, on bended knee
Give up control and lift up my heart
A life that was not mine from the start
Through all the storms, the winds and rain
You pick me up, dust me off and set me back towards You again
I reach the place in this walk You lead
When I realize that it's not in me
You know my hurt, my pain and my need
You let my heart break just so that I could see
Your love will cover everything I've ever done
Through the merciful sacrifice of Your Son
Every day is a choice I will have to make
To lead a righteous life for my Father's sake
It's supposed to be spring!
I just have to take one moment to voice my disappointment as to the state of the weather at this moment. Snow on the 23rd of April (although not unheard of) is quite disheartening and does not spark the motivation to get work done. I hope it will be a slightly productive Saturday, nonetheless.
All about love...
When you're asked a question like, "How do you define love?," the answer is not one that can be easily stated. The more I run over in my head what love truly means the more complex the definition seems to become. The Bible is very clear about God's love for us. The word "unconditional" is used very often when talking about His love for His children. The textbook definition of unconditional is "without conditions or limitations; absolute." Well, how do you define absolute? So, I looked up absolute and came up with this: "perfect in quality or nature; complete" & "not mixed; pure." Hmmm. This seems like it could be a start.
In Ephesians 3:17-19, Paul writes this to the believers in Ephesus"...and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to all fullness of God." (emphasis added). In my Bible, it says in reference to these verses: "God's love is total, says Paul. It reaches every corner of our experience. it is wide-it covers the breadthe of our own experience, and it reaches out to the whole world. God's love is long-it continues the length of our lives. It is high-it rises to the heights of our celebration and elation. His love is deep-it reaches the depths of discouragement, despair, and even death. When you feel shut out or isolated, remember you can never be lost to God's love." Romans 8:35-39 says, "Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword? Just as it is written, 'FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I was intrigued by the comments my Bible made on these verses. Referring to vs. 35 & 36, it says, "This passage reaffirms God's profound love for His people. No matter what happens to us, no matter where we are, we never can be lost to His love. Suffering should not drive us away from God, but help us to identify with Him further and allow His love to reach and heal us." Notice, nothing that has to do with actual application. How do we allow His love to heal us? Good question, especially when all things around us seem to be falling apart. When nothing we do seems to make sense. When the world is telling us to succeed, but success seems to be empty and unsatisfying. When our mornings are filled with crying out to God for direction and guidance and purpose and these cries are met with a day filled with even more confusion and hardship. I am reminded of the words to a song by Barlow Girl called Never Alone. I don't know all the lyrics, but the ones that stick out to me the most are in the chorus. "I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side, but I'll hold tight to what I know. You're near and I'm never alone." How often do we ask God for guidance and direction only to be met with silence? How often do we try to figure things out in our lives only to find we know even less than we thought?
Back to the comments made on Romans, for vs. 35-39, it says, "These verses contain one of the most comforting promises in all Scripture. Believers have always had to face hardship in may forms: persecutions, illness, imprisonment, even death. These could cause them to fear that they have been abandoned by Christ. But Paul exclaims that it is impossible to be separated from Christ. His death for us is proof of HIs unconquerable love. Nothing can stop Christ's constant presence with us. God tells us how great His love is so that we will feel secure in Him. If we believe thes overwhelming assurances, we will not be afraid." Hmmm, fear. Oh, how Satan uses that little four letter word to drive us away from God. It's interesting because I have been thinking lately about the many things I truly do fear. This is such a reminder of Christ's promise to us. He'll never leave us nor forsake us. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 says, "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
In every situation that seems to have no outs or answer, the immediate response, at least for me, is very often to just get out or want to abandon what I'm doing...very plainly, the easy way. Well, I'm learning and God is constantly showing me that these things are put in my life not just by my own stupid decisions and mistakes, but to push me closer to Him. When I reach the point where my first and only response to trials is to run to my Savior who holds my life in His hands, and when I can rest in the knowledge that God will always give me a way out of hardships (even if it isn't what I think it should be), then I will begin to comprehend His love for me and His plan for my life. God is all powerful and all knowing, but He is not out to get us or put us through things to watch us struggle. How much sweeter is our choice to follow Him when it is made in the midst of tribulation? How much deeper will our walk with Him be when we allow Him to take us through hardships? In Him we have life, in Him we have breath, and in Him, and only Him, will we find comfort.
You might be thinking that I kind of wandered off my original thought. What is the definition of love? Well, in more ways than one, love can be ssen and defined in the way that Christ carries us through the hardest times in our lives to a place we never thought we'd make it to. I want ot end with a very well known poem. Just thoughts to ponder when things are at there worst and there seems to be no hope in sight. Thoughts that truly define, in a way, God's indescribable and unfailing love for us. Again, this person says what I would like to say in a way that I cannot.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it.
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you the most you would leave me."
The LORD replied: "My son, my precioius child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Psalm 139
"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works. And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You." Psalm 139:13-18 NASB
There are so many things that happen in life that are beyond our realm of understanding. This, of course, is because God works outside of it. Death, no matter how prepared you are or how expected it is, is always difficult to handle. As Christians, we have the advantage. Death is not the end, it is only the beginning. This life temporary. Life with our God in heaven is eternal.
God gives us strength to deal with things that we don't understand. We can hold firm and steadfast to the promise that God will be our comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4), our help and our hope (Romans 8:24-26). He knows us, made us, and cares deeply for us (Psalm 139).
When someone leaves this earth and goes home, it's always hard to say goodbye. Sometimes I feel like God is saying, "It's My turn now." I do not know Ray at all, but I know enough to say that he is a gift from God that speaks of His awesome power everyday he is alive. When he goes home to be with his Savior, there will be tears on earth and rejoicing in heaven. I pray blessings, comfort and peace for his entire family and for Robin and all who know and love Ray. And, even though I did not have a chance to know him, at least I get another chance. God, you know the number of our days before they even happen. You knew us before we were born. Thank you, for letting us know him and have him here for as long as we have. Take him home and heal our hearts.
Who likes needles?
Aichmophobia or belonephobia--the fear of needles.
I gave blood for the first time. Yay! I saved a life! It was such a nerve racking experience. Which leads me to my question...Can there ever be a nurse who has a fear of needles? The fear is not in sticking other people with them, just getting stuck with them. I suppose since this fear doesn't throw me into a "complete" state of panic (although my heart was racing) it's not too terribly awful. But, really, it can't be a good thing to for me to fear, my future line of work considered. My next thought is that nurses/phlebotomists that take blood should carry around a list of references. Names and phone numbers of people they've taken blood from. You can sometimes tell by the look of a nurse is he/she is going to be gentle or not. When it comes to taking blood, just from my experience, there needs to be some sort of skills demonstration or something so you know what you're getting yourself into.
Here's my story. I get to the place on campus where they are holding the blood drive and am met with a girl coming out exclaiming how she is never going to let "that woman" come near her with a needle again. Wow, along with my already inner state of nervousness, that was a total confidence booster. Avoid scary nurse with needle...check! I get to the next part of my "experience" and I get my finger pricked. I don't think I'm too much of a wimp, but that stinking hurts after a while. Thank you, God, that I am not a diabetic. Anyways, I'm sitting in the room, anxiously awaiting my turn to contribute, watching while other people are getting poked with needles. Again, not a great confidence booster. Don't look at your arm when they stick you...check! My really good friend, Sarah Joy, walks away from her experience almost in tears she was abused so much. Thankfully, my friend/her boyfriend, Brandon, gets stuck (literally and figuratively speaking) with the aformentioned scary nurse with needle. There I am, sitting, waiting, and wondering if my nurse is any good at her job. This would have been a great time to be able to read up on some of the experiences of her past patients. Ease my restlessness a bit. "Yes, she is gentle. Yes, she was efficient. Yes, I could still move my arm after she poked me. No, she is not satan's spawn." All of these would be helpful to me at that very moment.
Well, it wasn't half bad, I didn't pass out, and there's only a slight bruise on my arm. I found out I have small veins, but they pump blood very quickly. Small yet powerful, that's me! Hopefully, this experience helped me on the road to recovery. I learned a couple of very valuable lessons. Unwarranted fear and anxiety are not a good thing. And neither are scary nurses with needles that make you cry.
Oh, Wednesdays...
Oh, how I love Wednesdays...
Totally unrelated to what I'm posting about, but I thought you'd like to know that.
I'm reading the book Lady In Waiting, by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall, with 3 other girls in what we in Intervarsity have dubbed "discipleship groups." We meet once a week and the idea is to build relationships with each other that foster accountability, trust, and spiritual growth. I can definitely say that my group is on that road. So, we've been reading this book for the past 7 weeks and we're almost finished. It's been a really great for all 4 of us. There are a couple of points where we all had to agree that the situations being presented were far too extreme and we had to find a new way to apply the concepts, but altogether, it's been very applicable. One of the last chapters we read was called Lady of Purity. It basically was talking about guarding your treasure, why God wants us to, what to do if you've already lost it. While I was reading it and preparing, I kept thinking about how taboo the subjects of sexual immorality and sexual struggles are with women. Christian women aren't supposed to struggle with stuff like that. And when they do, it's not talked about. It's crazy how easily we decide how some sin makes us worse people than other sin. God views it all the same and Christ's blood covers it all. I wrote something at the beginning of this school year that is basically about that whole concept. I can only say God is amazing and His love never ceases to amaze me.
Broken Pieces:
She looks in the mirror
Doesn't know what's really there
The darkness surrounds her
Does anyone care?
But her words stay unspoken, her mask is firmly set
To play the part one more day
To maybe, somehow just forget
Cause she's a good little girl
Supposed to know what is right
Hold her head up high and stay this fight
But it's a losing battle, she can't seem to win
Everything inside is crying out for an end
Each day just gets harder
A little more dying inside
She lays her head on her pillow
Who sees the tears she cries?
This lie can't continue, but where can she turn
Will this Savior who loves her
Forgive her horrible sins?
Cause she's a good little girl
Supposed to know what is right
Hold her head up high and stay this fight
But it's a losing battle, she can't seem to win
Everything inside is crying out for an end
From the depths of her soul she cries for relief
For release from this burden, for a little bit of peace
Jesus opens His arms, says "I'm here, little girl.
Your sins are forgiven...and you're still beautiful."
The scars still remain
But the pain feels subdued
All her broken pieces
And how she felt so used
In the arms of her Father her heart found a shelter
And in the end she found love
That he poured out upon her
And this good little girl figured out just in time
Found her strength and her comfort to stay this fight
It was a losing battle 'til someone else stepped in
And everything inside her find freedom in Him
Why not hug? Please explain this to me...
Man, it's only day one and already I'm post happy. Crazy, I tell you. Absolutely insane.
So, I'm sitting in my dorm room, my roommate is watching Friends, which is not at all uncharacteristic. Side note: too many things in life can be related to a Friends episode. So, I'm finding myself in a bit of a conundrum. (hee hee, that's a fun word) Are hugs really a threatening, overly personal thing? What ever happened to greeting people with an embrace? I seem to be in an environment that holds firmly to the "anti-hugging" policy. I guess I'm learning not to expect much more considering I go to an engineering school with a lot of very socially underdeveloped people. On the other hand, I have a group of amazing friends who seem to do just fine in society. What's the deal?
Let's define a hug (good old dictionary.com)
Hug: v.intr. To embrace or cling together closely; n. a close, affectionate embrace; v. tr. To hold steadfastly to, cherish
What could be wrong with that? Showing your friends that you care, that you missed having them around, that you cherish them. Okay, so I'm bit of a sap, I apologize.
Maybe I'm just not adjusting to walking into a room full of friends and not getting/giving any hugs. Have I completely lost my mind? Is it wrong to want to show how much I care about ALL my friends (including those of the male gender) without getting a grunt, a blatant subject change, or an odd, "why are you touching me and making me feel uncomfortable" look? Now, I don't want to discredit my guy friends who have it all together. Good job guys. Now, go and teach the other boys how it works. All you guys out there reading this (hmmm...not thinking there are very many seeing as this is only my second post), go and give your friends that are girls (you'd better already be giving your girlfriends hugs) an occasional squeeze when you see her. And I have to say that I am not liable if that suggestion goes south.
My first time...
So, I thought I'd give this whole blogging thing a shot. I seem to like writing, I just don't know how interesting I'll be. But, you never know until you try, right?
So, aside from the constant woes of Organic Chemistry and trying to find time to sleep, things here at the fabulous Milwaukee School of Engineering go on without incident. Things don't really slow down around here. Sometimes it's exhilarating and other times it's just exhausting. It is only by the grace of God that I have found my niche here. Packing my bags from Stevens Point in September and heading here to explore a whole new realm of possibilities was a major step outside my usual "comfort zone." As always, though, my leap of faith was met with an enormous amount of confirmation. Each new person I met (love ya tons, Sarah Joy) was a new and unimaginable blessing. Every friendship is a testimony as to how faithful our Savior is to grant us what we need when we trust Him. Of course, I still have a piece of my heart in Stevens Point (XA-you guys rock!!) To sum all of that up, school's challenging, God's good, I LOVE MILWAUKEE!!!
So, another thing that came along with my move to the "big city" was a newfound passion for writing. Hopefully, through this blog, I can start to put my stuff out there. So, I'm pretty much going to use this for my "writing outlet." Thanks to my dear friend, Caleb, the words God gives me have already been put to music once. I love to sing, but I have no song writing ability whatsoever. If the words I write can be a song, praise God cause I love music. Okay, gotta work on the babbling factor...
I'm gonna end this post with the "song" I wrote for my sister, Melissa this Christmas (Hey babe, thanks for always being there!). I hope you enjoy the words, and if not, my condolences.
UNSAID
We walk beside each other
During the hardest of times
In the midst of pain and remorse
Always finding a smile
You are my support
There's comfort in your arms
Some things are left unsaid
But not a doubt in my heart
All of the passion, all of the faith
All of your talents and all of your strength
You make me see what I would never have seen
That all that's unsaid is all that you are to me
I have more years
That just fades as we grow
Mature beyond your time
Your confidence you show
In the way you carry yourself
And how you always seem to see
What drags me down
Without you, I would never be me
All of the wisdom, all of the grace
All of the sacrifices you make
You make me see what I would never have seen
That all that's unsaid is all that you are to me
How many times have words not been enough
To tell you how much you are loved
Nothing can ever compare
To this world that we always will share
With all of my knowledge and all of my days
All the experiences that comes with my age
You make me see what by grace I've received
Someone to share all that this life will give
And all that's unsaid will end up to be
What words can't express and that's all that you are to me
